I hear you. That fear is so real. Once it’s on the page, once it’s out in the world, there’s no taking it back. That’s terrifying.
But there can also be freedom in that. In finally telling your truth, without apology. In no longer carrying the weight of keeping things covered. Writing it doesn’t mean you have to share it with the world—but giving yourself permission to put it down on paper can be its own kind of release.
You’re not alone in this. And whatever you decide to write, share, or keep private, your story still matters.
I worry that my story has no outcome, no endgame that people can engage with, it is just a story of life and if I don't have the answers I'll let people down. I also worry that even using pseudonym, including my own, my story will be too recognisable and a world of trouble could be unleashed. It chases my words away.
These are valid fears that many of us (myself included) struggle with. But what if, for now, you set them aside and just write? No one has to see your first draft but you. The answers don’t have to be clear yet, and your story doesn’t need a perfect ending—it just needs to be told. Sometimes the clarity comes from the writing process itself. As Joan Didion said, "I don’t know what I think until I write it down."
Besides, tidy endings can feel disengenuine. Life is messy. Just because we're writing a book doesn't mean that our readers expect us to have everything figured out.
As for recognizability, that’s a decision you can make after you’ve written it. You can always change details, adjust framing, or even decide not to publish certain parts. But don’t let that fear stop you from writing in the first place.
The most important thing is to get the story down.
I’ve thought the same… because so much of what I’m writing about- learning to love myself, is still a work in progress. Also using the pseudonym and worry the same 💕
Yes... that struggle is so real. But sometimes, if you've had enough time to grieve and process it, writing about those traumatic events can help them release their hold on us. But be kind to yourself, if you're not ready that's okay. Give yourself time. Lately, I've been writing around the most traumatic bits and only writing a sentence or two a session then switching to something lighter to make it more manageable.
Set your fears outside the door when you're writing the first draft. (It sounds silly, but you can even imagine your fears as a person who you ask to sit in the hall while you write!) The first draft is for you. Later drafts are where you can start thinking about someone else seeing (or judging!) your words.
This post really speaks to me. Self-doubt seems to creep in every time I revisit painful chapters of my life. I’m currently sharing my memoir From Forgotten to Fierce, and one of my most difficult stories involves betrayal and survival.
It’s terrifying to put those raw, unfiltered experiences out into the world, but I keep reminding myself that vulnerability is what makes storytelling powerful. And, like you said, if my story can reach just one person and help them feel seen, it’s worth it.
Thanks for this reminder that doubt is part of the process, not a reason to stop. I’m looking forward to connecting with others here who are on the same journey.
Hi Jean, I wonder if there is a single memoirist who doesn't wrestle with self-doubt! I love the title of your memoir. Sounds like it could definitely be a powerful story to share!
This hit home! Thank you! I was so elated to finish a 2nd draft of my memoir last year. Then I started querying and...crickets. I had to put her away for awhile. Sometimes I go back and gasp at how beautiful it is. Other times I cringe. I feel stuck not knowing if I should keep querying or do a hard rewrite.
Hi Cathy, Congratulations on writing your memoir and finishing the second draft! That’s such a huge accomplishment—I know how much work goes into that.
I love how you describe that chasm between feeling elated and cringing at your own work. That’s such a relatable part of the process.
Querying is incredibly tough. A lull in responses doesn’t necessarily mean the book isn’t ready—it might just mean the query letter needs some refining. Before diving into another big rewrite, maybe take a fresh look at your query? Jane Friedman has some excellent tips on query letters here: https://janefriedman.com/query-letters-nonfiction-memoir.
Also, have you gotten feedback from beta readers or an editor? Sometimes an outside perspective can help pinpoint whether small tweaks are needed or if a larger revision would serve the book best. Don't give up!
Oh thank you!! I'm not even sure if what I am writing qualifies as memoir, but I am mired in all kinds of self doubt. This arrived to give me a bit of faith. Subscribed ❤️
Good God am I stuck in self-doubt!!! I have told myself in the last two weeks that I'm totally giving up. I've done it once, it served its purpose, and now I need to let go of it... These are the words floating around in my head. If you have a follow up on how to conquer this self-doubt, I will happily listen.
Thank you for asking that question. I think I have to sit down with myself and reflect on that. I know that at least part of the worry is that I've written one memoir already, and I have the fear that everyone is just sick of hearing about what I went through. And for me personally, it's been hard to rehash time and time again. So, I need to ask myself why I would want to continue trying, if I do. I'm really conflicted lately.
Are you approaching this memoir from a different phase or with a different theme from your last one? Look at memoirists like Alexandra Fuller or Augusten Burroughs. Fans want to hear more of their stories and their voices, even if there is overlap!
I'll look into both of those authors. I haven't heard their names before. My husband and I were recently talking about a new idea to talk more about the positive aspects, because I've focused so much on the negative in my past memoir. I felt that I was just going down the same path with a different book I was trying to write, and it was driving me crazy. I like the idea of a different theme, and different stories. We certainly have so many of them, don't we?! Maybe a story more in line with the healthy/stable/beautiful life I'm ready to settle in finally.
I loved Alexandra Fuller's "Don't Lets Go to the Dogs Tonight" and Augusten Burroughs' "Lust and Wonder" but also really liked their other memoirs. I will read anything they write really.
I'm learning about two different stories from one life. My memoir reveals the building blocks of a life in art. The other story, the one about the WASP alcohilic who suffers and gets sober, I have no interest in. The world doesn't need another one of those.
Everyone has a story inside them, and it may not be now, or 20 years from now, but there will be someone facing that same situation that needs to know you can survive it.
…and shame of what others will think is the fear that weakens us all!
I am the first to admit that my memory is not great, but this particular flavor of fear doesn’t keep me from writing. Often it’s through the writing and sharing that I unlock memories. And even if I don’t get it exactly right, if I’ve managed to accurately portray the emotions behind the memories and events, and it resonates with someone, that’s what’s important.
I hear you, and I think a lot of writers feel that way at some point. But just because something might not make a big splash in the grand scheme of things doesn’t mean it isn’t worth writing. The act of writing itself has value—whether or not it’s widely read.
And honestly, there’s a kind of freedom in imagining that no one will read your words. It takes away the pressure, lets you be more honest, and gives you space to write for yourself first. What if, instead of worrying about whether your writing will register, you let that possibility be a comfort and just write?
That’s great advice. I do that with my short pieces. Writing a memoir however feels like going from sprinting to running a marathon and every couple of miles I ask myself “why am I running this marathon?”
I’ll do my best to not worry about what others may think and just run
One fear is that people in my life will know the truth--and there is no more covering it up once it's out.
I hear you. That fear is so real. Once it’s on the page, once it’s out in the world, there’s no taking it back. That’s terrifying.
But there can also be freedom in that. In finally telling your truth, without apology. In no longer carrying the weight of keeping things covered. Writing it doesn’t mean you have to share it with the world—but giving yourself permission to put it down on paper can be its own kind of release.
You’re not alone in this. And whatever you decide to write, share, or keep private, your story still matters.
Thank you. That is a very kind reminder. I will publish, and I will face the ghosts. I am determined.
I worry that my story has no outcome, no endgame that people can engage with, it is just a story of life and if I don't have the answers I'll let people down. I also worry that even using pseudonym, including my own, my story will be too recognisable and a world of trouble could be unleashed. It chases my words away.
These are valid fears that many of us (myself included) struggle with. But what if, for now, you set them aside and just write? No one has to see your first draft but you. The answers don’t have to be clear yet, and your story doesn’t need a perfect ending—it just needs to be told. Sometimes the clarity comes from the writing process itself. As Joan Didion said, "I don’t know what I think until I write it down."
Besides, tidy endings can feel disengenuine. Life is messy. Just because we're writing a book doesn't mean that our readers expect us to have everything figured out.
As for recognizability, that’s a decision you can make after you’ve written it. You can always change details, adjust framing, or even decide not to publish certain parts. But don’t let that fear stop you from writing in the first place.
The most important thing is to get the story down.
I’ve thought the same… because so much of what I’m writing about- learning to love myself, is still a work in progress. Also using the pseudonym and worry the same 💕
I'm overwhelmed by having to relive events long enough to turn it into a story.
Yes... that struggle is so real. But sometimes, if you've had enough time to grieve and process it, writing about those traumatic events can help them release their hold on us. But be kind to yourself, if you're not ready that's okay. Give yourself time. Lately, I've been writing around the most traumatic bits and only writing a sentence or two a session then switching to something lighter to make it more manageable.
Oh my goodness!! I needed this today! I just started writing and I was deep in this last night.
Set your fears outside the door when you're writing the first draft. (It sounds silly, but you can even imagine your fears as a person who you ask to sit in the hall while you write!) The first draft is for you. Later drafts are where you can start thinking about someone else seeing (or judging!) your words.
Thank you 💕 it feels most helpful just to hear others struggle with the same things.
Right?! And that's what's so lovely about reading memoirs, too!
This post really speaks to me. Self-doubt seems to creep in every time I revisit painful chapters of my life. I’m currently sharing my memoir From Forgotten to Fierce, and one of my most difficult stories involves betrayal and survival.
It’s terrifying to put those raw, unfiltered experiences out into the world, but I keep reminding myself that vulnerability is what makes storytelling powerful. And, like you said, if my story can reach just one person and help them feel seen, it’s worth it.
Thanks for this reminder that doubt is part of the process, not a reason to stop. I’m looking forward to connecting with others here who are on the same journey.
Hi Jean, I wonder if there is a single memoirist who doesn't wrestle with self-doubt! I love the title of your memoir. Sounds like it could definitely be a powerful story to share!
Don't let that self-doubt dim your fierceness! <3
This hit home! Thank you! I was so elated to finish a 2nd draft of my memoir last year. Then I started querying and...crickets. I had to put her away for awhile. Sometimes I go back and gasp at how beautiful it is. Other times I cringe. I feel stuck not knowing if I should keep querying or do a hard rewrite.
Hi Cathy, Congratulations on writing your memoir and finishing the second draft! That’s such a huge accomplishment—I know how much work goes into that.
I love how you describe that chasm between feeling elated and cringing at your own work. That’s such a relatable part of the process.
Querying is incredibly tough. A lull in responses doesn’t necessarily mean the book isn’t ready—it might just mean the query letter needs some refining. Before diving into another big rewrite, maybe take a fresh look at your query? Jane Friedman has some excellent tips on query letters here: https://janefriedman.com/query-letters-nonfiction-memoir.
Also, have you gotten feedback from beta readers or an editor? Sometimes an outside perspective can help pinpoint whether small tweaks are needed or if a larger revision would serve the book best. Don't give up!
~Christina
I've had all those concerns! Right now a question: How do I join the Thursday Memoir Mentors event 1-4 pm EST?? :)
Hi Elisa! I've just sent you a chat, but you can sign up here: https://www.meetup.com/memoir-mentors/
Looking forward to meeting you!
Christina
Oh thank you!! I'm not even sure if what I am writing qualifies as memoir, but I am mired in all kinds of self doubt. This arrived to give me a bit of faith. Subscribed ❤️
Oh that's wonderful to hear! Thank you Caroline!
Your story has worth!
-Christina
Good God am I stuck in self-doubt!!! I have told myself in the last two weeks that I'm totally giving up. I've done it once, it served its purpose, and now I need to let go of it... These are the words floating around in my head. If you have a follow up on how to conquer this self-doubt, I will happily listen.
Self-doubt is such a monster! For me, it's cyclical. I just have to hang in there long enough through the lows so I can be there for the highs. I wrote about this in my personal blog here: https://gofindglow.com/a-letter-to-myself-and-a-commitment-to-myself-and-my-memoir/
What specific kind of self-doubt are you struggling with in particular?
~Christina
Thank you for asking that question. I think I have to sit down with myself and reflect on that. I know that at least part of the worry is that I've written one memoir already, and I have the fear that everyone is just sick of hearing about what I went through. And for me personally, it's been hard to rehash time and time again. So, I need to ask myself why I would want to continue trying, if I do. I'm really conflicted lately.
Are you approaching this memoir from a different phase or with a different theme from your last one? Look at memoirists like Alexandra Fuller or Augusten Burroughs. Fans want to hear more of their stories and their voices, even if there is overlap!
I'll look into both of those authors. I haven't heard their names before. My husband and I were recently talking about a new idea to talk more about the positive aspects, because I've focused so much on the negative in my past memoir. I felt that I was just going down the same path with a different book I was trying to write, and it was driving me crazy. I like the idea of a different theme, and different stories. We certainly have so many of them, don't we?! Maybe a story more in line with the healthy/stable/beautiful life I'm ready to settle in finally.
I loved Alexandra Fuller's "Don't Lets Go to the Dogs Tonight" and Augusten Burroughs' "Lust and Wonder" but also really liked their other memoirs. I will read anything they write really.
Yes! When I hear people ask, "How do you come up with ideas?" I think, "How do I make them stop long enough to focus on one?!" 😅
For real! I feel that.
I'm learning about two different stories from one life. My memoir reveals the building blocks of a life in art. The other story, the one about the WASP alcohilic who suffers and gets sober, I have no interest in. The world doesn't need another one of those.
Sometimes the story we set out to write isn't the story that wants to come out. Kudos to you for following your passion!
Everyone has a story inside them, and it may not be now, or 20 years from now, but there will be someone facing that same situation that needs to know you can survive it.
…and shame of what others will think is the fear that weakens us all!
Yes! And as Brene Brown wrote: "If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive."
One fear that can keep me from writing: Getting things wrong... because of the failures of memory, of objectivity. How about you?
I am the first to admit that my memory is not great, but this particular flavor of fear doesn’t keep me from writing. Often it’s through the writing and sharing that I unlock memories. And even if I don’t get it exactly right, if I’ve managed to accurately portray the emotions behind the memories and events, and it resonates with someone, that’s what’s important.
I think I’m worried that in the grand scheme of things my writing would not even register as background noise
I hear you, and I think a lot of writers feel that way at some point. But just because something might not make a big splash in the grand scheme of things doesn’t mean it isn’t worth writing. The act of writing itself has value—whether or not it’s widely read.
And honestly, there’s a kind of freedom in imagining that no one will read your words. It takes away the pressure, lets you be more honest, and gives you space to write for yourself first. What if, instead of worrying about whether your writing will register, you let that possibility be a comfort and just write?
That’s great advice. I do that with my short pieces. Writing a memoir however feels like going from sprinting to running a marathon and every couple of miles I ask myself “why am I running this marathon?”
I’ll do my best to not worry about what others may think and just run
I love that analogy! Thanks for sharing!